New Year’s resolutions being as they are, and with my man-boobs approaching “C” cup, I joined a health club last week in an attempt to regain my hot bod. My wife is happy about this, and cautiously optimistic.

I know my way around the gym almost as good as my lawn.

I worked out a lot in high school (who didn’t right?) and developed a fit physique. (For the record, I’m the original ‘Fitch’ that made Abercrombie what he is today! ) Through my days in the military, I was able to keep this machine I call, “me,” running in top form – but in recent years, a desk job, marriage, kids, laziness and too much beer have contributed to weight gain and lethargy.

So here I am, 2008 looming, and I’ve made the commitment to get hard once again. But as I work out my hips, buns and thighs each morning, I can’t help but think about my lawn too. Here are some ways that working out and the health club are like your neighborhood and your lawn.

(1) No matter how nice and/or expensive your neighborhood, there are still inconsiderate hillbillies who will move in and leave their garbage cans and other crap strewn all over their front yard. Same with the gym. I joined a nice, private ”health club” with lots of rules and standards, and yet, there are still a few arse-holes who insist on leaving empty protein drinks and Gatorade bottles laying around. Even worse are the ones who sweat like pigs and drip all over the thigh-machine, and then not wipe it off when they are done! This pisses me off to no end because I gotta sit there too!

(2) At the gym, there’s always that scary old dude that walks out of the showers and shows everyone his gray-goat-bearded yam bag. It never fails that he strolls straight over to the polyurethane coated wooden bench near the lockers and plops his bare-naked ass right down by me as I am changing my shoes. I try not to look, but there’s that familiar sound – like somebody dropped a wet pack of hot dogs on the floor. Well, it seems that this same guy lives near me and he and his bag-of-a-wife use their front yard like a tanning salon.

(3) Do you have that neighbor that always thinks he knows what could make your lawn look better, and he is always telling you about it? At my old house, this guy lived across the street from me and was always squawking to me how to cut my lawn better, and keep it green, etc. …yet his lawn looked like the baron field behind a 7-11 store. It was seriously like a “Turf Twighlight Zone” or something.

Well, last week, I met this guy at the gym. He had to be about 6-foot, and 340 lbs of spare tire and cottage cheese … but he felt the need to explain to me the benefits of the triceps extension when done with free-weights vs the Cybex machine. I just laughed and told him to make sure and wipe his sweat off the bench before I got there!

(4) How about the “grunter?” This guy is in the back corner near the rusty free weights heaving dumbbells the size of a Buick and with every rep, he churns out a deathly grunt. Each one of these Gorilla-type gutterings is basically telling me, “You’re a weak and pitiful little man and I am a strong-ox with big bullocks!” 

There’s one of these guys in every neighborhood too. He’s the guy who you’ve met a hundred times, but he still can’t remember your name. He also happens to be the only middle-aged guy in the neighborhood that still maintains his 20-year-old physique. When you see him, since he can’t remember your name, he just grunts at you something like, “Hey thar Bro-der-heimer,” while he waves with a smirk.

(5) On a serious note, I believe in the “weight set point” theory when it comes to fat loss. What this means is that your body reaches a point where it feels “comfortable” and will do what it takes to stay there. When you work out and eat right, it’s discomforting and your body craves calories to get back to the “fat and happy” state. You have to train it to be comfortable at a leaner overall mass and it will eventually stay there.

Your lawn works this way too in regards to mowing height and water consumption. You can train it to look good any way you want, but it takes some work and some “ugliness” in getting there.

(6) Finally, it takes me about 45 minutes on the elliptical machine to burn 300 calories. Sadly, all of this work can be erased in 5 minutes with a single Big Mac! Your lawn works the same way in that you could spend years caring for it, and one neglectful season will turn it to weeds and toast. The lesson here is that anything worth having must be properly maintained FOR LIFE!

It just goes to show that no matter what I do, it all comes back to my lawn! I am obsessed for sure, and hopefully, in about 6 months, I’ll be able to take my shirt off while I mow it … you’re all invited to drive by: and I’ll grunt at you.

I hope by now, many of you are starting to think about the coming Spring and what that means for you and your little patch of green love you call a lawn.

I’ve written previously about organic, natural and synthetic fertilizers in general, and also attempted to explain a little more about their regulation and usage in residential settings. I fear, however, that most of you were bored to death and didn’t much care about the literal “poop” of the lawn care world. Just remember: those 2 posts were speaking of fertilizers and NOT weed killer and pesticides. In this post, we’re gonna touch on some of the more polarizing issues in lawn care (killing weeds and lawn insects) and how they relate to the environment. Finally, I will followup with a post of my specific recommendations on treating your lawn to obtain excellent results while keeping an eye out for the good of our eco-system.

But first, let’s learn about killing weeds and pests in the home landscape.

A pesticide, according to the Environmental Protection Agency, is “any substance or mixture of substances intended for: preventing,  destroying, repelling, or mitigating any pest.”(some of you are thinking now about your ex-wife, but, please, let’s stay on the topic of lawn pests ok? )
The EPA continues their definition by adding: “Though often misunderstood to refer only to insecticides, the term pesticide also applies to herbicides, fungicides, and various other substances used to control pests.”

For purposes on this post and this entire blog, we are focusing our efforts on pest control specifically in the lawn (herbicides and insecticides), which would encompass weeds (dandelions, creeping charlie, clover), unwanted grasses (crab grass) and insects (grubs).

A Personal Note 

No one, including me, will tell you that spraying pesticides is “safe.” My own grandfather owned a pest control company in Florida in the 1970s. In The Sunshine State, 70% of homes have orange or grapefruit trees in their yards, and my grandfather would contract with homeowners to protect these trees from insects such as fruit flies. I believe he also used traps in trees to ward off fruit-stealing rodents. Nonetheless, in those days, technology and research were not as prevalent, and my grandfather passed away from lung cancer … he was in his mid-40s.

Today I believe that research and the flow of information via the internet make for “Safer” products in general as companies seek to do the right thing via peer pressure and public outcry. But there are still things we just do not know, and it is for this reason we must strive to strike a balance between our need for a beautiful lawn and the environmental stability of future generations.

Who Are the Biggest Pesticide Abusers? 

Sorry to blame you, dear reader, but it’s you and/or your neighbors! Most homeowners who treat their own lawns utilize 4-step-type granular products that contain everything needed for the season, all conveniently packaged in 20lb bags. Included in at least 2 of those “steps” will be what are known as “Weed-n-feed” products, as well as some type of crab grass preventative, also termed “halts.” Some 4-step deals have also begun to include insecticides to prevent or kill grub worms. The most widely used home 4-step granular system is the Scott’s Company program that also includes Grub-X grubworm insecticide.

The Scott’s 4-step product achieves excellent results when the directions are followed. Their synthetic fertilizer is top-notch and contains micro-nutrients such as iron to give bluegrass lawns a deep-blue/green color. Their weed control is also fairly effective considering its granular nature, and their grub control is professional grade. So where’s the problem?

Here is why using a 4-step program is environmentally irresponsible

1. It assumes that ALL lawns are created equal, and therefore all need the same thing. As a homeowner, do you think that your lawn in Arkansas has the same composition as my lawn in Chicago? (I’m mainly referring to the composition of the soil in this analogy.) While buying a “one size fits all” fertilizer program is easy and will get you results, it may not always be best for the environment, and, how much fun is that anyway?
2. Yearly bagged programs contain an overabundance of nitrogen. Impatient customers expect a super green lawn, super fast, and synthetic, high nitrogen fertilizers bring those results, but at the cost of ruining the soil and causing accelerated top growth of grass plants.
3. The bag that is labeled “weed-n-feed” means that you are spreading weed-killer (herbicide) over your entire lawn whether weeds are present or not. This is the worst one folks! Why would you throw weed killing products in a place where there are no weeds? But with granular, bagged products, you have no control.
4. Similar to the above but in the case of grub worms, if you buy a bagged product that contains fertilizer and grub killer, you have to spread the insecticide over the entire lawn. However, grubs will normally not appear in shaded areas, meaning you don’t need to put the insecticide there…but with the bagged products, you have no choice.
5. Finally, there’s the “fudge factor” in applying these products. This one mainly falls on the homeowner, but also on the manufacturer as well. When you look at the bags you buy, they will normally read something like, “covers lawns up to 5,000 square feet,” and then they will also give you some approximate settings to use depending on the spreader you have in your garage. This labeling assumes the homeowner knows the size of his lawn, and then, can calibrate his spreader to exactly cover the desired areas. In addition, most homeowners will use the “eyeball” method of spreading fertilizer and put it down as heavy as they “think” it needs to be applied. That ain’t good!

So What’s the Responsible Alternative?

You cannot completely eliminate the use of pesticides in your home lawn if you expect to get results, but you can greatly reduce their use with just a few tips, a little time and a keen eye. But I will tell you this: Don’t waste your money on beat juice or some other cockamamie organic pesticide for weeds! That may be good for the environment, but it’s terrible on your bank account!’

The best way to reduce or nearly eliminate pesticides is to utilize liquid products that you mix in a home sprayer or hand can, or purchase pre-mixed products in spray bottles. Be sure when buying pre-mixed weed killing products, you buy ones SAFE for LAWNS, meaning they will not kill grass, only weeds. These are referred to as “selective herbicides.” Next, when spraying these products, don’t blanket your entire lawn (unless the problem is outta control, then see below). Take some time and hit each individual weed according to the instructions on the bottle (this is where the keen eye comes in…stay organized and methodical). This means that pesticides are going only where you specifically target them to go, reducing the overall usage significantly.

If your lawn is riddled with weeds due to lack of previous care, then you can mix your own herbicide in a home-sprayer and blanket the worst areas with a fine mist (follow label instructions). Chances are that only one treatment in this fashion will eliminate 70% of the problem (especially if we’re talking about dandelions) and the remainder can be managed on an individual basis. This is still utilizing less product than a granular alternative and still gives the applicator (that’s you) the ability to control the amounts being put into the lawn.

Each Year, Less Pesticide is Used! 

The good news here is that once you have one year (maybe 2) of solid control under your belt, you probably will need almost no weed control ever again! Dandelions, for example, drop new seeds in later Spring, but if you eliminate them prior to the seed head popping (the cottom ball-looking thing) you won’t have a bad problem the next year. In my lawn, I never see more than 4 or 5 weeds (of any kind) per year because of the care I took in the beginning. Those 4 or 5 weeds are pulled up as I pass by with the lawn mower, meaning I use NO persticides at all!

Another concern of homeowners is crab grass or similar grassy weedsthat ruin a lawn’s appearance. I do recommend using a pre-emergent herbicide in the sunny areas of the lawn in late Spring for at least a couple of seasons. However, you need to realize that crab grass will only germinate in thin turf areas! Thicker lawns keep it choked down to a minimum. Once again, I do not need any of these herbicides in my thick, carpet turf.

As far as insects go, grubs are the big one in the midwest. Most people are unaware, but a lawn can withstand a fairly heavy grub worm attack and show almost not damage (assuming you mow your lawn tall and keep it properly irrigated and fertilized). Grass plants are very resilient and fill in and around struggling spots very quickly. I’d recommend only treating for grubs if you find them, and only then, treat specified, sunny areas.

With the above in mind, you will see that healthy turf really only requires your chosen fertilizer product and water … and almost no pesticides.

The key to reducing pesticides in your lawn is THICK TURF. Thick, lush grass will resist or hide most problems on its own, and isn’t that we ultimately want anyway? In the next installment, I will give you the secret to a super thick, healthy lawn that is dark green and uses almost no pesticide products. It will take some work to get there, but I know you can do it, for the good of our environment!


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